Mind Pilot – Take Self Control

My online session earlier really didn’t do much to maintain spirits — in fact, it did quite the opposite. As I was saying last week, I’m trying to avoid spending too much time on looking up how many visitors my website is getting, or how much it is earning from one day to the next — this is a common mistake that people in our industry make, and it can end up wasting so much time in causing so much demoralisation when things don’t change overnight. (18:40) — rather than just comment on this, I’ve used it as a starting point for two articles on running revenue generating websites — one about the top mistakes to avoid, and the other about the things that have kept us in business. I’m still slightly wary of doing this — Web traffic has fallen now for three consecutive weeks. I know there is still plenty of bad economic news out there, but March should normally show an increase compared to February, and we’ve already seen a massive drop-off in this year compared to last year. So who am I to write articles about how to run a successful Internet business? Well, the best businesses know how to keep going through the bad as well as the good, and even if I wouldn’t exactly say we are thriving at the moment, we are still surviving, and there are plenty of things we are trying to do to pull ourselves back up again. It might be extremely demoralising when a whole load of effort goes into improving your website, only to find that three or four weeks down the line, there is no change, but again I need to take a reality check here — these things can take months to turn round, so hold tight!

Just before five, I got a phone call to say that the bike wheel had been sorted out, but I then messed around having a couple of Skype conversations, and didn’t leave the house until 10 past, making it a bit tight to get to the bike shop. As I was driving there, I was getting more and more angry, especially as there was (unsurprisingly considering the time) so much more traffic on the road than I’m used to, and twice I just missed the traffic lights at busy junctions. Looking back on it now, this is the kind of frustration that most commuters have to put up with twice every single day, but as I am so used to working from home now, and as most travel I do outside the city is by train, the idea of having to wait more than a minute at a traffic light fills me with dread! As I am thinking back over my worries of web traffic going down, and how further reductions in revenue could really squeeze us, I’m also thinking of this utility of having to sit in traffic just so I can go and collect the wheel that I need to get my bike working again. I am also watching the time and thinking that if I miss the shop by one minute, I will have wasted this journey completely, just because I didn’t pull myself away from a Skype conversation which really can awaited until another time. Luckily, my worry is needless, as I just catch the shop as they are about to switch the lights off. When I’m in an irritable mood, I do try and find something to pull me out of it, but I’m not always successful. Relieved that I had just managed to get the wheel sorted, I was driving out of Kenilworth, and noticed a row of seven houses which all had what appeared to be recently thatched roofs — there I am thinking ‘what a nice little touch’, but somebody must have spent a lot of time coordinating that!

(18:55) I’m back at home now, and this little dictation session seems to have done a reasonable job at stabilising my mood. In many ways I’d rather be a little bit angry than lethargic and depressed — at least when I’m angry, I will have the motivation to do something about it. On the additional plus side, my brother, who is normally there to reign in my more fanciful ideas, is considerably more upbeat about how the business is going than I am right now. He reminded me of all the things we are doing to turn things around, and I know that there are numerous content ideas we have talked about which could bring in extra visitors and useful links. I think I’ve talked enough about mood management for now — or at least enough for me to put that area of my mind onto autopilot, so I can go back and sit in business class and create some content for my other website.

I’m driving towards a bike shop in Kenilworth to get my rear wheel fixed, when one my favourite dance anthems comes on the radio — Insomnia by Faithless.

The immediate reaction to hearing the opening bars of a tune like this is to hit the accelerator and go full throttle. It is easy to see how someone might overdo this even more when in a manic state, but I am rapidly held back.

This isn’t about being totally sensible — the emotion free driver will just carry on driving at the same speed regardless of what was on the radio. Rather, I am held back because my highly analytical nature tells me that driving too fast round corners is a recipe for disaster, especially on narrow country lanes. So just as I want to hit the accelerator pedal, my mind is coming back with calculations about fatalities on rural roads and I ease off.

As for the tune – well, Insomnia was certainly something I was afflicted with towards the end of last week, but today has just been drowsiness. Having said that, as I get round to uploading this (7:40pm), I’ve had my caffeine injection and I am feeling much more alert. I said in my earlier post that this post wasn’t making much sense, but I hope it does now get across the exact point it is trying to make – namely that the bipolar mind might well want to expose itself to taking more risks, but the analytical, Darwinian inspired statistical mind will always trump it with facts.

Oh well, at least next time I feel the need for speed I will be back on two wheels. Now if you want the facts for that, afaik, cycling is always more dangerous per mile than driving, but on average regular cyclists live 10 years longer than non-cyclists, because of the fitness gains. Then again, bipolar is supposed to take 10 years off your life too. I think there is some offsetting going on here Forget about CO2 offset, that’s my BP offset programme!

I’m scanning through what I’ve written above, and thinking that it doesn’t really give much detail about mood changes, as that would require going into much longer articles, which I’d like to do if I have time. After Friday, I know that I could easily keep this blog full of detailed posts about the different thoughts I have, and my thoughts about those thoughts, but that this could soon get stuck into its own never-ending loop, and that’s not what I’m trying to achieve here. So before I go back and go into any details about the previous four days, it might be better to jot down a few notes from earlier on today, and to carry on from there:

·                     Driving to the bike shop — wanting to hit the accelerator when a classic tune comes on the radio.

·                     At the swimming pool — can’t really be bothered to do any swimming.

·                     Supermarket checkout — is that the healthiest trolley load I have ever purchased?

·                     As I write this diary update, why is my energy waning?

·                     Will I get anywhere near the amount of content I created on Friday? I’m not really trying to do that, I’ll be happy with half that amount, as long as most of it goes to my commercial website.

·                     Come to think of it, and I still going to be awake in 15 minutes? My mood is fine, I’m just feeling tired, but I haven’t had my caffeine injection yet today. I’m not sure how well that blue cheese (the one food sin that stayed in the trolley) agrees with my system, but it certainly tasted really good!

·                     Should this text be put back in paragraphs, or is it nicer to break it down into bullet points like this. I quite like using using the bullet points, and I generally find it easier to read text that is broken down in this way. I should never forget that a lot of people with wandering minds have very short attention spans. The only problem is that it is a bit of a nuisance to format when transferring from Dragon voice recognition into a WordPress blog.

·                     I’m just want to keep sitting here until four, then I might get the caffeine shot out. I might feel tired, and I might be making a very late start, but at least I can give myself a little pat on the back for the fact that I’ve already done my exercise for the day. I still don’t fully understand how swimming, including going to the jacuzzi/steamer/sauna impacts my mood and energy levels, but at this time of day I’m usually scrambling to get out of the house to make it there by four, which is the latest time of peak members can go, so the fact that I have finished my swim, gone to the supermarket, had some lunch, and sat down to write content by now isn’t actually too bad going at all.

·                     I am reminding myself that I am often slow to get going, no matter what time I start. Even when I start with a seemingly massive burst of energy, this often fizzles out after just a few minutes, and might then take a couple of hours before I really get back into the swing of things again. As I was out all day yesterday, today is effectively the first day of the week, so I could still be having a short dose of Monday morning blues, even though it is Tuesday afternoon.

·                     I should point out that as I dictate this, I’m trying to report on how I felt at different times across the last five days, and that if I get a chance, I would like to go back further than that. So it is only natural that I’m reporting on different moods at different times, but on the whole the last few days have still been extremely positive, and when I have had down periods, this has been due to tiredness, rather than any kind of depression. I mean come on, anyone would be knackered after cycling the equivalent distance of three marathons, so it is no wonder I’m feeling a bit groggy after going for a swim.

·                     (15:53) – Ok, that is enough for now, the blog post which was going to follow this doesn’t really make that much sense and I need that recharge.

Like last Friday, I am making a very late start, but at least I got up at a reasonable time (10 AM), after yesterday’s very long day in London. Although I do have a tendency to panic and get all worked up when I start late at this, I’m really not too bothered today, as I have already got a few things ‘ under my belt’ as such, and this also includes a ‘belt tightening’ swimming session! I really should be getting on with some text for my main website, but after I left off on Friday with such a massive block of blog posts and Mind Pilot, I feel there is was a natural momentum that I had got started which I want to at least carry on for an hour or so this afternoon, before getting started on my other work. Thankfully, my mood has been kept pretty much on an even keel through the last few days, with a major sense of breakthrough after Sunday’s bike ride. Here’s a summary of the last few days, which I hope to stick into some longer blog posts shortly:

·                     Friday evening — went to bed after waffling on for over 8000 words that day, but still had plenty of thoughts buzzing around, and was still awake at dawn the following morning. Perhaps writing that much content had made me a little bit manic, and apart from when we came back very late from Liverpool couple of weeks ago, this was certainly the first time I’d stay up until dawn for quite a while.

·                     Saturday — relaxed all-day, but still got up just before 10 to go to Birmingham. This could potentially develop into quite a long blog post, but for now I’m putting it to one side.

·                     Sunday — I got up with the intention of joining the local cycling club which is supposed to meet in a nearby park at 9 AM. Although this was a part of Sunday morning I’m not normally used to seeing, I didn’t actually get out of the house until nine, and it was only then that I realised that my spare bike, which I keep at the back of the house, had two flat tyres. The rear wheel was also rubbing against the frame, and this was proving to be very difficult to sort out, so I wasn’t finally ready to leave the house until 9:45. Having missed the cycling club, I wanted to make sure that I went on a decent enough bike ride on my own, so I headed off towards the Cotswolds. Needless to say, some eight hours later, I finally made it back home, and this felt like a real return to form, as I hadn’t cycled this kind of distance since the summer of 2007, just before my last serious manic episode kicked off.

·                     Monday — after Sunday’s marathon cycle ride, I was glad that I could still get up in time to make the train for a lunchtime event in London, where I had been asked to be a panellist. This was a rare opportunity to talk about the industry I work in, and it was nice to be sitting next to other panellists who represented businesses far larger than my own. Come to think of it, considering how much most people are supposed to have a total fear of public speaking, than event actually went extremely smoothly, so I hope I can get another opportunity to do something similar soon. After the event, I decided to go for a walk from the event hotel in Bloomsbury to the Tate Modern, but by chance ended up meeting up with another person from the Internet industry, who just happened to be having a drink with one or the other people from the event I just attended. I was then supposed to meet a friend for curry, but his phone seems to be on the blink, so I ended up making a brief visit to the Tate modern, before grabbing some food inside St Pancras International and then heading home.