August 1; 2 a.m. (office, tired, raining outside and no umbrella, brother has the car)
The last three days have been extremely slow, but I really don’t want to focus on these negatives. Between Wednesday last week and this Monday, I had a really good run, and I just need to get back into the mood that created this surge. I feel like I’m going through a bit of a switchover this evening, and into this morning, but it’s still more of a move into neutral rather than positive territory.
So, what kicked me out of the depression which was holding me back for the first three weeks of July, and how did I manage to stay out of it so well? How did I then allow things to slip away again?
I don’t know if there is any one particular factor which got me going again last week, but it was probably fair to say that it was about time I came out of my malaise. The first few weeks of July had been frustrating, especially as there seem to be one setback after another, even if none of these individual things would have thrown me off course in better times.
I do tend to reach a point where I say that enough is enough, and with each of these irritations over, combined with a further reduction in the amount of medication I had to take, it was only natural to finally break the cycle of negativity. Proceeding onwards from Wednesday’s extremely productive work day, I then managed to get into a naturally progress cycle of a really enjoyable bike ride on Thursday, an intensive five aside tournament on Friday, and a day of physical rather than mental recovery day on Saturday. This was then followed by a sociable trip down to London on Sunday, and one of the most focus productive days I’ve ever had on the Monday, which included a very respectable start at 9:30 a.m.
So, what went wrong after this? Perhaps, I just got too complacent, and expected too much too soon. There is nothing inherently wrong in my ambition to go back to a nine to five routine, (well, apart from the fact that I never really had such a routine in the first place), but things are still far too chaotic at the moment to just expect this to happen at the click of two fingers.
I can easily get trapped in a negative feedback loop thinking of people with ‘normal’ desk jobs would return to a normal working pattern, but even this is often not the case — employees returning to work after such a major episode often do so gradually, either working only a few hours each day, or just doing a couple of days each week. I’m not so sure if I could make such a gradual planned return — either I’m in focus, or I am not, but at least I know that on the two or three days I’ve had when I have been in focus, I have been able to produce some excellent results.
Perhaps I was just getting a little bit too ambitious by expecting such an early start every single day of the week. For this to happen, I need to be in bed at a decent time each evening, and with so much housework still needing doing, this creates an inevitable conflict with any attempt to have a social life.
Next week for example, I’ve got two events on in London, one of which is on Monday night. If I really wanted to go all out and focus on the routine, then I don’t think I could realistically attend either of these events. So, which is more important, trying to get back into a routine, or having a social life? This is where I find it so easy to get back into that pointless cycle of negative thinking:
If I miss out on the social opportunities, I’ll feel more lonely, and feel more depressed, and then be much less likely to get up at a decent time in the morning. On the other hand, if I go down to London and come back very late, any attempt at an early start goes out of the window.
The crucial point at which things went off track this week was on Tuesday, when I went back to bed after having a shower. If I decided to stay awake through that day, there is some chance that I would kept up the momentum for the rest of the week, although this is probably unlikely, as I’m sure I would have easily found an excuse to leave the office early on Tuesday afternoon, or to lie in yesterday morning instead. However, once I knew I wasn’t going to make it into the office by 9:30, any attempts to stick to a routine had gone completely. There’s just no point in promising myself that I’ll get up, say at 11 a.m., half the morning has still gone by then.
One way to get to bed a little earlier on Monday evening might be to stay overnight in a hotel in London. This might cut out the long train journey home, but ultimately it provides no incentive to get up early the next day, especially as the very early morning trains are so much more expensive than peak ones. Theoretically, I am at least guaranteed to be up by midday, as that’s usually the latest hotel checkout time, but that still means getting back into the office just when most people are finishing their lunch breaks.
I suppose I can go through one or two days during the week, where I have had less sleep than I’d like, providing I get to bed really early on the other days. This will need a fair bit of planning ahead, especially when it comes to things like the laundry and food!
This is something that I’m going to have to work out over the weekend, but in the meantime, here’s a quick recap of what went well, in July, and some things to improve on:
The good
• Days which have been in focus has seen exceptionally high productivity.
• After three weeks of negativity, six consecutive days of extremely good mood until Monday 28 July.
• Enjoyable birthday party and associated football match.
• Have managed to contain, although not completely eradicate, unknown insect infestation.
• Have got into the habit of regular updates to Mind Pilot! Long may these continue!
• Linking Mind Pilot updates to diary is providing a useful way of monitoring mood changes.
• Have restarted habit of reading, self-improvement material, especially Anthony Robbins.
• Have started to look at relationship between diet and mood. Fridge has been stocked up with a lot more fresh fruit (and yes, most of it is getting eaten)!
• After a long delay, have finally got out on the bike again, and reminded myself just how enjoyable it is!
• Have enjoyed two really good football sessions — don’t think I had played football for about a year before this.
• Compared to previous months, personal spending has been much more tightly controlled, and this is expected to stay much more moderate over the next few months.
• On the work front, we finally have a prototype of a new website, after several months of development work, where everything was going on behind the scenes.
• Although I’ve been getting up pretty late on most days, I have managed a number of days when I got up after a standard eight hours sleep, especially when my mood has been on reasonable form. Monday 28 July, I made it into the office at 9:30, even though I’d overslept three alarm clocks!
• Medication has been reduced down to one third of the original dose of Depakote, and Quetiapine has been cancelled completely.
• Despite various setbacks, overall feeling is still one of slow recovery, with numerous different ideas coming on stream to take things forward.
The not so good
• After a really good Caribbean holiday, it was disappointing to have three low weeks following this.
• Ongoing frustrations about tiredness, loneliness, lack of motivation etc.
• Attempts to get re-motivated kept on falling flat.
Things to look forward to in August
• Although it doesn’t seem to be able to help much when things are really low, because the motivation is needed to get out of the house and come into the office (or should I reinstall computer and Internet access at home), updating Mind Pilot and coordinating it with diary should be an interesting way of keeping track of moods, and finding more ways to focus on the positives.
• Have purchased an easel and some canvases — now is the time to start using them!
• Possible trip to France, or failing that, at least Scotland, if not both.
• Hopefully, none of the irritations which held me back in July will repeat themselves!
• I’ve ordered an arsenal of new positive reading material to help rebound in the event of sudden loss of mood inflation!
• Must remember to get back on the football pitch, whatever the result!
• And ditto for the bike, especially as I should have both bikes in working order next week.
• Maybe it is time to buy an extra loud alarm clock, and park it in the kitchen next to the fridge.