Friday 8 p.m.
Depression has no relation to explicable factors
Right now, I have no real logical reason to be feeling down. I may have had a serious outage at the end of last year, but that was almost 6 months ago and I should be well out of the shadows of that episode by now. Business is going extremely well — last week we had a record number of visitors at just over 80, 000, and where due for an exciting new site relaunch in mid-July. On a personal front, I’m living in a house that is more organised than ever, at last we got to the stage where all the major rooms in the house were completely free of clutter — something that should feel like quite an achievement for someone as disorganised as myself! Next week, I am part of a group of competition winners who are heading off on affiliate future’s annual Barbados trip, which should be just as good as it was last year.
So why have I been feeling so down this week? To be honest, I just don’t know, I can’t really explain it. All I do know is that I want to move on, and develop a reliable way of getting through each week without having to waste so many hours in bed, because I don’t have the energy to get up. It’s not as if I don’t have work to do — there are plenty of things I could be getting on with related to running my main website (Flightmapping.com). However much the business is being carried by my brother Mark and colleague Dan, I want to get back in the driving seat, but that date just doesn’t seem any closer.
Right now, I’m stuck in a typical, but completely unnecessary, vicious cycle of making a very late start to the day, finally getting into the office after everyone else has left, and leaving no time to even consider a social life. This then brings on even more feelings of loneliness, further increasing the cycle of depression. This much I can explain, but there is still no reason to be completely flat out for two days this week (yesterday and Wednesday). In fact, on Wednesday morning, everything was going very well — I’d slept extremely comfortably the night before, had gone up, had breakfast and stuck on some energising music, but for some reason reached a stumbling block when I can decide whether to go to for a swim (will the goggles leak again), go for a run (do I have the energy for this) go for a bike ride (why haven’t I got that spoke fixed yet). Instead, I just crawled back to bed. It all sounds so pathetic to say how the whole day can collapse on one tiny detail, but this is the reality of what I’m dealing with at the moment. Motivation can come and go in an instant, and am at least buoyed on by the hope that when I pull out of this, I will feel better than ever, but that time still seems a long way off at the moment.
For now, much as I have a great deal of other ‘ proper ‘ work to be getting on with, I’d rather spend time on my blogs, as I feel that publishing these sorts it gives me a much greater impetus to get and then keep spirits high.
Mood Arsenal
• Lists — isn’t this the first?
• Music
• food
• exercise
• people
• images
• inspirational stories — books, TV, film
• inspirational rumour?
• Photos walls?
• Quotes
• remembering what worked before
• how do I want to feel in one hour? How do I want to feel this time tomorrow? At the end of the week?
• How can I help someone today?